(1) a deserter from one faith, cause, or allegiance to another
(2) a person who rejects lawful or conventional behavior
I have subtitled this blog: My Renegade Life. Not in the first sense of the word, but in the second definition, more commonly used today.
I sit here, in my forties...still piecing back together my life after not getting tenure shattered my career dreams, and with it, my confidence. Trying to define myself after a series of miscarriages and crumbling of a long-term relationship saw another set of dreams turn to dust.
I will never have the 2.5 kids, the house with a yard, a minivan, a dog, and a cat. And unlike some I know, I wanted this, to settle in to family life with a steady job, taking pleasure in the mundane aspects of life.
As I heal from crushing blows of the past few years, the siren song of new dreams beckons me to redefine myself in unconventional terms. I begin to stop clinging to the old dreams, letting them slough off like - old skin, spent petals, autumn leaves, heavy raindrops off a twig - choose your own imagery here.As I do so, new thoughts of how my life will be begin to emerge - a life focused on creating beauty, on sharing experiences with people I care about, of exploration, of an expansion of what is family.
I am becoming a renegade because to accept my new life, I must reject the conventional life I had imagined for myself when I was younger. Exactly what this new life will look like is still nebulous, but beginning to take shape.